I’d just like to throw out there the premise that the smell of fresh poop masked unsuccessfully by Lysol is far more offending to the senses than straight up poop.
Am I wrong in my thinking here?
Like if you just laid down a monster turd why not own up to it rather than try to mask it with that god awful Poop/Lysol smell mix? It’s offending to the person walking in after you and it’s offending to the masterpiece you left behind in the can.
Has this ever happened to you? You’re waiting to relieve yourself and the bathroom is occupied. So you sit there patiently waiting and then the perpetrator walks out of the bathroom. You walk in an immediately get smacked in the face with a waft of nasty poop/lysol aroma so pungent you feel like Mr T just gave you a Dirty Sanchez.
You drop to the ground commando style and try to work your way out of the bathroom on your elbows like a GI ducking for cover on Omaha Beach, trying to duck below the cloud of agent orange-like nastiness left behind only to discover it’s inescapable. You’re surrounded by it like the boy in the bubble and now you’ve only got two choices- soil yourself or stand up and inhale in all that poop/lysol aroma. It’s just burning out your nostrils and leaving you dry heaving your way out of the bathroom, light headed and ready to pass out.
I’d like to propose to parents across the US- please teach your children the proper way to take a dump-
Finish your bidness, wipe til you don’t see any brown on the TP and then wipe a couple more times to make sure, wash your hands with soap and water, grab a handful of paper towels to dry them off and use the same paper towels to open the door so your hands don’t touch the bacteria laden bathroom door handles, stick out your chest and just flat out own that poop.
Pass on the Lysol. It’s just flat out more natural. Haven’t you ever read that book as a child- Everybody Poops? Poop- Natural. Lysol/Poop- Not Natural.
Anyway, vote in the poll-
Good Morning Gloucester 
Haha, I have ALWAYS said this about bathroom sprays! The resulting mix of smells is far, far worse than a plain ol’ poop smell..
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clearly a “slow news” day…lol…sometimes you just crack me up !!!! probably a good thing that you have a “Port-o-Potti” down on the wharf, no exhaust issues…
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It’s about time someone Wrote about this. Lysol is the nastiest smelling spray that was ever invented! I would rather be sprayed by a skunk than a can of Lysol!
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Joey, you forgot to mention the courtesy flush. Item five below…..
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Don’t stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra thirty feet or so to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they see you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: The fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didn’t hear it. No one likes an escapee. It’s uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually the side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, don’t panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare them the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damned proud of it. The Out of the Closet Pooper can often be found entering the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always check to make sure the Out of the Closet Pooper is in the office before doing a Fly By.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This reduces the odds of someone entering the bathroom while pooping.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain seated in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you can avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a Watermelon or to scare off potential Turd Burglars.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is being used. If you hear an Astaire on a Fly By, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Update: Do not use an Astaire at MSP airport unless you want company.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This can be very embarrassing. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee or, even worse, a Jailbreak.
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LOL!
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I thought I was going to die laughing.
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I know you’ve got more to do on vacation than this, so you must have scheduled it beforehand. Natural poop of course.
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Thanks for all you do to help business and charities on cape Ann. However it’s articles like this that take away from the good you do. This article reminds me of fourth grade potty humor. Really not necessary or funny……….maybe time to grow up? Your writing is better than this.
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Damn, I was shooting for fifth grade! Just missed the mark. Ill try harder next time.
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Just like my little brother when we were kids–and we would be on the floor laughing. Never stop Joey!
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Don’t change a thing, Cap’n. A little humor doesn’t take away the good you do for business and charities…not by a long shot. Rock on..
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Epic
Zippy response even bEtter then the post
Good effort
Off to drop the kids off at the pool now
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It’s not always so easy, apparently, to be just a “Regular” guy!
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Joey, you couldn’t be more wrong (unless you were talking about manscaping your junk again – that’s just plain wrooonnnngggg.) I’ve always loved the smell of Lysol. Once in my just-out-of-college days I spotted a mattress someone had left at the curb and dragged it down the block to my apartment. Nasty, right? Sprayed that thing with a can of Lysol to disinfect it. Best week of sleep I ever had. It was like sleeping on a bed of spring flowers. I think those fern-like nose hairs of yours are throwing off your sense of smell. Love the Lysol.
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I had no idea you were a Lysol man.
Is the whole dragging the crusty mattress to your apartment just a rouse to deflect you love of wearing the metrosexual skinny jeans?
To somehow add a little masculinity and street cred to your polished journalism background?
Well played sir, well played….
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GROSS John! I am just glad you were not eaten alive by bed bugs!!! And i don’t know why I am reading this these comments before breakfast, but guess its better than after.
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Kim, the ancient Italian lady up the street said I would get polio using that mattress from the curb. I didn’t get polio. Or any dates for like three years afterward. No idea why.
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I love that GMG tackles the truly tough subjects. You know, the ones NO ONE ever talks about, but all of us have an opinion on. Thanks Joey. I will say that there is one thing you can do to clear out the order without that horrible Lysol smell, you can light a match, then blow it out. I don’t know why this works but it does. I have three sons. Our bathroom could get pretty bad, and this works.
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I totally agree. Great point. My boy Steve Saleeba from WBZ @TheSteveDuJour mentioned this yesterday
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Love the “SulfurOnSulfurCrime” hashtag. Our man Steve is funny, even if he lives in like Natick or Norwood or Newton or some other lame milquetoast suburb.
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He sure is.
Johnnycakes is there any way to find out if anyone has ever coined the phrase “train wreck blogging”?
If not I’d like to trademark it along with #Boom!
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John, It’s Walpole. You know, where the prison is. #SuburbanStreetCred
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If you Google “train wreck blogging,” an image of this blog entry with comments will appear. If it doesn’t, it should.
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Surprised no one mentioned lighting a match, it really works. Lysol is disgusting.
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There’s a vital product that you’re missing. I saw this stuff at a trade show once, but I’ve never smelled it in action.
http://poopourri.com/
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Lysol and any bathroom spray just gives your order a airborne carrier so it will travel further than it ever would have. A courtesy flush is the by far the best way to go.
How about another poll? For all the men. Does your partner try to be stealth about her bowel movements/flatulence or does she just let it rip?(bathroom door open, fan off, under the sheets, at the dinner table, etc…) Thanks Joey!
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I like the way you’re thinking anonymous!
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Fresh Drop Bathroom Odor Preventor…a drop before you go..no one will ever know..
It work wonderfully!!
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Thanks for sharing your poop smell masking agent. Duly noted is Star squiggles favorite brand of poop masking agent.
Witness?
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This poll needs a third option, I can’t bring myself to vote for either.
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Still laughing
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I also always have an incense burner packed in my toiletries bag for vacations..It goes on the back of the hotel toilet first thing..and everyone with me is HIGHLY encouraged to use it….
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Plop Plop Fizz Fizz oh what a relief it is.
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Totally inappropriate for a site like this. What r u 12yrs old!
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I guess swami (real name I’m sure) never read the book.
Haters gotta hate. 🙂
To answer your question, yes I’m 12.
And you should believe everything I write as gospel.
And continue to pass judgement on what is appropriate on a site you had no hand in creating.
You are the moral authority.
Yes you swami.
Congratulations!
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How about a T-shirt campaign to bring the poop/lysol issue to the masses who don’t read GMG. Very important issue. Lysol is the worst!
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I like the way you’re thinking Mary!
I’m gonna announce a Poop vs Lysol Tshirt design contest tomorrow. Winner gets a copy of Ron Gilson’s An Island No More
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