I’m super planner guy when I travel. Have just the right bags (four wheel 22 inch spinner and messenger style style second bag that slides over the handle of the spinner) with everything packed just right. Anyone who knows me knows about my obsession with staying dry and comfortable so I get up early, shower, and power the hell out of my nuts to avoid that sticky nuts sensation you get on long flights where they get stuck to your leg and you gotta peel them off when you finally let the boys free. I didn’t have any baby powder so I used this product that Kim Smith gave me last year which is a corn starch based powder. I pre download several podcasts including the Tony Kornheiser Show, Joe Rogan and Adam Corolla podcasts onto my ipad.
We have the middle and window seat and there’s already a guy in the aisle seat of our row and he gets up and we get settled into our seats but both of us really had to pee. Feeling terrible about making the guy get up twice because we had to go pee like five minutes after we made him move the first time, I give him our assurance that I won’t make him get up again, not wanting to be a total pain in the ass.
So now we’re three hours into the flight and I’m really bummed out because my ipad which had my downloaded podcasts stored on it is stored in the carry on that is 15 rows ahead in the overhead compartment and I had given this guy in the aisle seat my assurance that we wouldn’t get up again and he’s like like a water saving camel. I figured at some point he’d have to get up and go pee which would give me a chance to go grab my ipad but no, the guy is like a rock. Staring straight ahead the whole time, never once reaching for his seat belt or giving any signs that he’s gonna budge.
It’s a total test of wills but at this point. I’ve had this monster frontal wedgie where my nuts have been all mashed up into my body and because I used so much corn starch thinking it would keep my nether regions dry, I realize that it’s created a corn starch /nutsack sweat-like paste between my balls and my inner theigh/taint area because I’m sweating from contracting my prostate for so long to hold in the pee because I don’t want to bother the half camel /half man creature sitting in the aisle seat.
Finally I can’t take it any more and I ask to get up because I’m just too uncomfortable and the big goofy ginger in the front row of our section wearing a Washington Wizards basketball jersey stinks so bad that my eyes are watering from his uncomprehensible BO. And the reason I say it’s uncomprehensible is because he’s with a girl, not completely unattractive who you would think might tell him that he needs to take a frickin shower before you go on a four hour flight to an eighty five degree destination. You have to wonder how the not-completely unattractive girl is with Stinky, Neanderthal, Washington Wizards Basketball Tank Top Wearing Ginger Stinky Guy. No joke we were five rows behind him and could smell his BO.
So I work my way past stinky guy and get to the bathroom, lock the door behind me which slides the vacant sign to “occupied” on the other side of the door. Not even 10 seconds into the bathroom the door handle starts jiggling uncontrollably and someone is trying to get in. I figure they’re going to realize immediately that it’s locked a) because the door won’t open and b) because the goddamn sign shows in their face that the frickin bathroom is occupado! But no, not one but two more rounds of crazy handle jiggling at which point I fully expect an ax to come flying through the door and Jack Nicholson to poke his head into the chasm created by the ax, screaming “Heeeeere’s Johnny!”