Tag Archives: Fail

They Came, They Clawed, They Fricked It Up!

Would You Look At These Pretentious Bananaheads Crowing Around All Proud Of Themselves For Messing Up Perfection?

If you want to read the horror story that they pass off as a recipe (and claimed they conquered no less) Click Here-


Will They Ever Learn The Rules Of Lobster Roll Making Is To Not Get In The Way Of The Most Delectable Meat Known To Mankind- Lobster Meat?

Why I ask you do, they feel the need to mask the flavor of the most succulent meat on earth with not one, not two, not three, but no less than unlucky 13 lobster roll ingredient violations???

Why not squat down over the mixing bowl and lay down a nice fat shit in there to compliment the flavors while you’re at it?

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-

We Came, We Clawed, We Conquered Messed It Up

Building the perfect lobster roll (Or Not)


  • Salt
  • 1 lemon
  • 5 whole star anise pods
  • 2 heads garlic, halved
  • 4 dried árbol chiles
  • 1 (6-inch) piece fresh ginger, peeled and cut into ¼-inch coins
  • 3 stalks lemongrass, trimmed, tough outer layer removed and stalk bruised and tied into a knot
  • 2 (1½ pound) live lobsters
  • ¼ cup mayonnaise
  • 1 tablespoon finely minced parsley
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped chives plus 1 tablespoon chives, cut into ½-inch pieces
  • 2 teaspoons reserved lobster cooking liquid
  • 1 teaspoon lemon juice
  • ½ teaspoon lemon zest
  • ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • ¼ teaspoon celery salt
  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • 1 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning
  • 4 split-top hot dog rolls

Anise?????  Like as in Licorice anise?  In a lobster roll?   I wish Patrick Ewing was still in his prime so we could set him up right in front of where ever these dopes tried to serve these lobster roll abominations and he could swat them into the stands like a basketball and then stand over the servers and flex and growl like he just made the most impressive shot block in the history of the NBA.  Just like “Get That Shit Outta Here!” 


Arbol Chile?   Really????  What are we at Taco Bell now?  Lemongrass?  Ginger?  Please.  This is absolutely criminal.  

I guess I should have stopped reading when I read these pretentious buffoons were writing in from New York where they root for the Yankees and all.  I mean WTF do they know about lobster rolls anyway, right? 

Maybe it’s a March thing where they want to get out in front of all the other pretentious food bloggers who will inevitably write their own versions of the Perfect Way to Fuck Up a  Good Lobster Roll.

When I saw the laundry list of lobster roll purist violations I just couldn’t leave this debacle go unchecked.   There are plenty of pretentious food bloggers who will throw in 2-5 violations but when you go over the top with 13 you have to know that someone with some common sense is gonna call you out on it.

Listen here anyone who would describe themselves as  a “Foodie”.  Do all us normal real folk a favor and spare us your stupid frickin lobster roll recipes that include anything other than a split top roll.  Spare us your French baguettes, spare us your frickin lemon zest bullshit, spare us your ginger and your anise and your arbol chlis.  

Hellooooo, we wanna taste the lobster.  How hard is that to comprehend?  If we wanted to eat Mexican we’d order a goddamned Burrito.    

This is a lobster roll.   The purist of the pure.  Time tested.  Tradition.  Like a Fenway Frank, only a bajillion times better.

It’s easy, there’s no need to go out of your way to try to fuck it up with your laundry list of  Lobster roll no-nos like anise and garlic and lemongrass.

Here’s the way to do it and not to do it-


How to F^@K Up a Lobster Roll


Ingredients For The Worlds Greatest Lobster Roll

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-


  • Like a right of Spring I feel compelled to get us all off on the right path to Lobster Roll righteousness.  I’m not sure if we should have expected more considering the source- Foodie Bloggers From New York.  Maybe we don’t have to expect more but we certainly can’t let this shit go unchecked.

    Read past year’s lobster roll rants-

    Rating and Ranting- The Lobster Rolls From Tasting Table’s Lobster Roll Rumble

    A Preemptive Lobster Roll Refresher Course Before Anyone Gets All Crazy

    Bastardized Lobster Roll on Tap Today At Gloucester Gourmet

    What Is Wrong With People???? Another Lobster Roll Disaster From Some Broads In California

  • Bastardized Lobster Roll on Tap Today At Gloucester Gourmet

    I don’t even know where to begin on this atrocity- and in our own back yard, a local.

    I will say up front Anadama bread on it’s own- Fantastic. 

    For the love of christ, not on a lobster roll.  and then to add lettuce and celery??????

    I see what you’re doing here Melissa Abbott, you’re trying to get inside my head.  You’re taunting me.  Saying I know how I’ll get Joey C to feature my blog on his site.  I’ll bastardize the one thing that there can not be any dispute about in an attempt to explode his brain.

    It’s lobster, it’s tradition.  Why do we feel it necessary to mess it up.  Can’t we all agree that Andama bread is OUTSTANDING for French toast.  I’ll even go as far as to say it’s THE BEST bread on the planet for French Toast.  But please get that shit away from my lobster rolls.  It’s an outrage.  It’s an atrocity.  It’s unforgivable. 

    www.GloucesterGourmet.com ?  Uhm you may want to rethink the title of your new blog to www.GloucesterNoYouGourmet-not.com

    I can’t go on.  I’ve got a headache.  People, want to let Melissa know what’s up here in this latest of all crimes committed against tradition and all that is good and sacred in the lobster world.

    Look at this bullshit would you-


    photo from www.gloucetergourmet.com a demonstration on how to mess up a really good thing

    Tuesday, June 26, 2012

    Lobster Salad Sandwich on Anadama Bread with Garden Red Leaf Lettuce

    her ingredients-

    Lobster Salad Recipe
    Fresh Lobster Meat slightly chopped
    Freshly chopped celery  FAIL
    Cains Mayonnaise
    Red Leaf Lettuse from my Garden FAIL

    It’s simple people- The split top bun.  Not Baguette, Not a goddamn Panini, not a Saint Joseph’s roll and No, Not on Anadama bread.

    A split top bun in which you slather on the butter and grill to a golden brown, then you add the cold lobstermeat mixed with a dollop of Cains mayo.  That’s it. Nothing green, no paprika, no celery, no onion, no pickle no other frou frou bananahead ingredients. 

    How many times do we have to go over this?

    Don’t out-think tradition.  Don’t out-think perfection.  You’re gonna go and mess up the lobster roll’s good name because you’re jumping the shark on this, trust me.

    Congratulations Melissa You Made It To The Big Time- A Feature On GMG

    Orange Mulch Is A Fail

    Someone needs to clue me in on how you could go to the landscape supply joint and make the conscious decision to buy orange mulch over the nice dark brown (almost black) compost mulch.

    I’ll go dark brown mulch all day long over toxic waste neon orange mulch.

    It’s just way more aesthetically pleasing.

    I don’t know a whole lot about landscape supply costs.   Maybe they pay people who opt for the neon orange mulch to take it away from their landscape supply yard.  I can’t think of a single other reason someone would choose it over the classy dark brown.

    They actually dye it that hideous orange color.  You gotta be a savage to get the orange stuff, no?

    What am I missing here?



    This Is Why You Don’t Buy Fish Anywhere But A Dedicated Fish Market Or Dock

    I just took this picture yesterday at a “wholesale club”

    Do you know what to look for when you are buying fish?  Here’s a quick tip- If there is any hint of grey or brown on your fish DONT BUY IT!!!!!!!!

    The manager of the seafood section in this place should be fired for letting this rotten crap sit on it’s shelves but I routinely see old grey rotten fillets at supermarkets and superstores.

    Here’s an article on how to buy fresh fish in case you want to know what to look for

    Here’s a link to video’s and pictures of how fresh fish gets handled and distributed locally in Gloucester



    A couple of years ago I was in the supermarket and ran into my wife’s aunt- the sweetest kind of lady you’d ever want to meet.  She told me she was going to buy some haddock there.  I told her that if she needs some fresh fish to let me know and I’d bring her some home from one of the places I get my fish here in town knowing that what she would be buying at the supermarket would probably be inferior to the primo fish you can get here in Gloucester.  I kept shopping and on my way down the aisle toward the back of the store I swung by the fish case to see what the fish looked like and to my horror the haddock fillets in the case were absolutely grey with a hint of green and the fillets were also falling apart with no firmness to them at all.

    I immediately turned and ran to the front of the store to find my wife’s aunt to stop her from purchasing the rotten fillets.  I begged her to not buy that fish to feed her family and promised to bring her some fish from G-Town.  She honestly didn’t even know any better and told me she had been buying her fish there for years.  I wonder how many other people have no idea what to look for when they buy fish but just remember one thing if nothing else- there shouldn’t be any grey or brown color to your fillet.  If there is any blood it should be bright red.  Would you buy a piece of steak at the grocery store that was grey and not red?

    Notice In the picture below how there is no firmness to the fillet, the lines in the fillets aren’t crisp and they are all just squiggily and mushy?-



    These fillets belong on http://failblog.org/