In All The Years Of Reading Dumb “Best Lobster Roll” Articles I’ve Never Seen Such An Abortion As The One Laurie Wilson Wrote For Open Table

It’s been 4 years.  People always send me photos or links to articles that have terribly bastardized lobster rolls and I’ve been on hiatus for several years, but the article by Laurie Wilson brought me out retirement from the stupid lobster roll review shaming game.

It’s THAT bad.

First a refresher course before we get to the silliness in Laurie Wilson’s Top Lobster Roll article hack job.

A PREEMPTIVE LOBSTER ROLL REFRESHER COURSE BEFORE ANYONE GETS ALL CRAZY

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Joey C

I’m putting out this Lobster Roll PSA at the beginning of this lobster season to save chefs from making the horrible dastardly crimes against lobsterdom that so many make each year when they try to go all fancy with their lobster rolls.

One of our lobstermen, Dave Jewell’s boat was originally christened as the KISS.  Chuck Kersey built it and explained the meaning behind the name-

KISSKeep. It. Simple. Stupid.

What I will suggest to you is to take the name of the lobster boat which Chuck Kersey christened and apply it to your lobster rolls.

You don’t want to end up in the list of lobster roll debacles like the ones we’ve chronicled through the years here on GMG-

 

Bastardized Lobster Roll on Tap Today At Gloucester Gourmet

Posted on June 26, 2012 by Joey C

image

What Is Wrong With People???? Another Lobster Roll Disaster From Some Broads In California

Posted on July 11, 2011 by Joey C

The Broads Out In California Try To Defend The Undefendable

Posted on August 16, 2011 by Joey C

What Does a $50 Lobster Roll Look Like???????

Posted on December 21, 2010 by patrickr

Grandma Ethel Needs To Put Down the Crack Pipe

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Joey C

IDIOTS!!!!!!!!

Posted on June 25, 2009 by Joey C


HERE’S THE LATEST LUNACY FROM LAURIE WILSON-

Roll Call: Top Lobster Rolls to Celebrate National Lobster Day

LAURIE WILSON JUNE 15, 2017

Avenue Restaurant, Long Branch, New Jersey

(Click here for photo)
Order the lobster roll and you’ll get fresh lobster with tomato, spicy mayo, oranges, and arugula, all crowning a brioche bun.

In all my years I’ve never seen such an unmitigated disaster of what some people call a lobster roll as this one that Laurie Wilson puts in her Top Lobster Rolls In The Country article.  Tomato?  Really??? Oranges???? Arugula????  OMG.  Laurie Wilson you have insulted your readership with this nonsense.

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Baptiste & Bottle, Chicago, Illinois

(Click here for photo)
Chef James Lintelmann’s chunky lobster roll keeps things interesting with a little fruit. The roll is created with housemade crème fraîche, fine herbs, shallots, chopped celery, and honey crisp apple.

I’m not even sure where to start here.   Normally it’s easy to decide where to hammer the outrageousness but there’s so much going wrong here it’s hard to decide which to list first.  I guess I’ll start by saying that when looking straight down at a lobster roll if you can’t optically distinguish anything at all resembling lobster then you automatically start out with a failing grade and can only go down from there.  But we can’t let the whole “Fruit” thing slide.  You’ve all heard the phrase “Don’t fruit your beer”.  I really didn’t think we had to spell it out for the Foodies (and lets be honest, is there anyone that refers to themselves as a foodie that you can talk to for more than three minutes before you want to kill yourself from pretentiousness overload), but let me spell it out anyway-

DON’T FRUIT YOUR LOBSTER ROLL

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Kingbird at the Watergate Hotel, Washington, D.C.
It’s a New England Lobster roll — with a twist. This ocean treat is created with yuzu mayonnaise, and scallions on a brioche bun along with classic pommes frites

(Click here for photo)

Uhmmm Kingbird at The Watergate Hotel, how bout you rename this yuzu mayonnaise roll with a hint of lobster?


You have to go 8 deep on her list before you get to a restaurant location that is a place where lobster catching is a staple of a community.

Baptiste & Bottle, Chicago, Illinois

Avenue Restaurant, Long Branch, New Jersey

Blue Island Oyster Bar & Seafood, Denver, Colorado

Cull & Pistol Oyster Bar, New York, New York

Vince Young Steakhouse, Austin, Texas

Rick Moonen’s RM Seafood Restaurant, Las Vegas, Nevada

Ways & Means Oyster House, Huntington Beach, California

Paddlefish, Lake Buena Vista, Florida

The Hourly Oyster House, Cambridge, Massachusetts

Siena Tavern, Chicago, Illinois

View, Oakdale, New York

Kingbird at the Watergate Hotel, Washington, D.C.

Striper’s, Kennebunkport, Maine

This lady has to be a Yankees fan, no?

To list Chicago, New Jersey, Denver, New York, Austin Texas, Las Vegas, Huntington Beach and Lake Buena Vista before you even get to a Maine or Massachusetts based joint, you gotta be out of your foodie mind.   Don’t they revoke your foodie card if you’re not pushing farm to table in every article you write?  This is food critic blasphemy in this, the Golden Age of Pretentious Food Writing.

Ed Collard put it best after listening to me rant about this article while creating this blog post.  Ed says- “The poor lobster already died once, why are you killing it again?

May god have mercy on your soul Laurie Wilson.  I don’t know how you sleep at night.

4 comments

  • OMG!!! Could not agree with you more! Oranges and lobster…why, why, why????

    Like

  • Yes, but this seems to be the way it is now…When I was a kid growing up in Gloucester, the Captain Courageous was a “fancy” meal for my family. But even as a kid the I could understand the menu. I’m not sure I can say the same about menus now.
    The other day one of your nice contributors posted a menu from a restaurant she enjoyed. Now, I’ve lived in Japan for over 20 years, studied a few languages and been to a few other places, and I had no idea what half of the things on that menu were…Not to mention that it takes longer to read about the food than to actually eat it.
    I get the feeling that chefs now feel that “simple” doesn’t make a name for them. It has to be complicated, wordy and in one or more foreign languages. Then the pretentious foodies will just love it…

    Like

  • LMAO over your critique of Laurie Wilson’s article. Anadama bread, Really? I can see why her nonsense got you out of retirement. I agree with you wholeheartedly. KISS.

    Like

  • To Anonymous, I’d say that anyone living for years in Japan has to be totally appreciative of REALLY fresh, simple, beautifully prepared food (7 Eleven in Japan sells sushi that is as good and attractive as the stuff we see in very nice US restaurants), especially seafood. If you live there you needn’t worry about someone doing this stuff to a wonderful food. But I have one question: Can you get a lobster roll in Japan? It’s not really a sandwich culture, in my experience. Just curious.

    Like

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