Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave….
All of this lying is exhausting.
I feel like I was pretty prepared for parenthood. Many of our friends had children before we did, I had taught young children for several years before thinking about having my own, and I read lots of books. What no one…not one single person…told me, was that I would soon become the most extraordinary pathological liar to ever set foot on this earth.
I lie so much, I can’t even begin to remember my lies. I’m not alone in this. My husband lies too. For that matter, you’ve all lied. Any of you with children, nieces, nephews….. I guess, upon reflection, it isn’t the lying that bothers me. We OBVIOUSLY all do it for their own good. It’s the fact that no one told me to be better prepared so that my lies wouldn’t be so stinkin’ lame!
My husband and I were thoughtful in our decision to have children. We kind of discussed religion, what our maternity leave plans would be, we chose names, we discussed parenting strategies, but no one…not one single person….told us to get our lies in order. Our lies became necessary so suddenly that we didn’t have time to compare notes. Whack! Damn. Busted.
It’s the freakin’ holidays. Lies, lies, lies. What started so innocently with, “Santa brings presents to all good boys and girls on Christmas Eve” soon became reckless, half-ass lies that didn’t even make any sense. Those little buggers began firing questions at us so quickly…when we were weak and alone…that we couldn’t keep up. At first it was just Christmas. “How do reindeers fly?”, “How does Santa get around the world so fast?”, “Will Santa die?”, “Why don’t the dogs bark when Santa comes?”, “Can we MapQuest Santa’s house (seriously!)?”, “Where do Santa and Mrs. Claus shop for their food and stuff?”, “Does Santa have any people friends… or just a bunch of elves?”, “Does he pee in people’s houses along the way?“….. Endless freakin’ questions.
And…they’re no fools. They always ask me while I’m driving. When I can only half pay attention. When I’m distracted and vulnerable. And… they’re so fresh. They ask my husband and then ask me. Or me and then my husband. “If reindeer use magic carrots to fly then why did Daddy say that Santa sprinkles them with magic dust?” Efff!!! Smart little brats. Of course, we don’t help the matter by using GPS to track Santa and his sleigh on Christmas Eve. Or by making special videos from the Portable North Pole Station customized just for our children including behaviors that they’re working on improving and gifts that they have asked for. Or by taking the carrots that the boys left out and using a vegetable peeler to scatter scraps on the deck. Or disguising dog poop as reindeer poop (we didn’t actually mean to do that, but we didn’t tell them differently when they assumed the scat belonged to reindeer. They were too excited about the poop, to break their hearts.” All of the things we do (for their enjoyment) perpetuate more and more and more lies. Such an intricate web of lies that they’ll probably want to file for emancipation once our lies are discovered. Who could blame them?
But it isn’t only Christmas. It’s Easter too. Like this week. “Where does the Easter Bunny live?”, “Why is the Easter Bunny so much bigger than normal rabbits?”, “Why does the Easter Bunny walk on two legs instead of hopping on four legs”, “Is his wife as huge as he is?”, “If Santa has a sleigh, what does the Easter Bunny have?”, “Does the Easter Bunny work alone or does he have, like you know, bunny elves?”, “Rabbits don’t even lay eggs….I don’t get it.” That last one isn’t a question…more of an accusation and an attack on my poor ability to lie. Little punks.
And then….the Tooth Fairy! For the love of God. “What does she do with the teeth?”, “Why does she want them?”, “Does she just go to the bank and ask for money?”, “She doesn’t rob banks does she?”, “Don’t you think its weird?” (Ummmm….YES!!! But I’m your mother and evidently it is my job to spin this lie or else I fail at parenting. So lie I will.
It is exhausting. I know, and I’ve always said it to be true, that my children have been more than the normal dose of inquisitive. They’re not the “believe it because we said so” type of kids. They want answers ALWAYS. Normally, I enjoy that. I have answered no less that 3,482,093 questions about ocean animals since they were born. And, I’m happy about those questions, but…. These efffing holiday questions…they are a whole different beast! They take skill…they take finesse….they take panache….most importantly, they taking comparing notes with your significant other. We have failed miserably. But yet, they still believe.
Happy Easter. Happy lying to you and yours.
Here are some of my favorite Easter Photos from 2 years back. Finn went all Roller Derby Death Match on the other poor kids….probably due to the fact that his parents lie to him too much. Somehow he thought that the egg hunt was a race. Did I tell him that it was???? Who the hell knows?