On Behalf of Tired of Waiting-
My good friend “Lisa” started dating someone named “Ted” a few years ago who was separated and estranged from his wife. Last summer Ted got his divorce, and now Lisa says she wants to marry him. Ted is dragging his feet, has yet to pop the question, but proclaims his love and spends quite a bit of time with Lisa. Now Lisa is losing interest and feels as though she may have wasted her time waiting for Ted to pop the question, and that maybe he will never be ready for another marriage. She is flirting with other men, but not cheating, yet. What should I tell Lisa?
What should you tell “Lisa”? Seriously? The handwriting isn’t flashing in large enough neon letters in enough intensity for you?
If “Lisa” feels like she is wasting time only because she doesn’t have a wedding ring and flirting with other men then is she really in love with “Ted” to begin with, or is she in love with the IDEA of being married? I suggest it’s the latter.
If Ted isn’t ready to make a commitment to her then maybe she needs to back away a little and tell Ted that if he doesn’t think that he will ever be ready for marriage then she wants to be straight up with him that she may want to see other people. She needs to be confident and happy enough with herself and not feel like a wedding ring is the thing that will complete her. If her and Ted have a great time together then they can continue to hang out as close friends with benefits. If Ted isn’t willing to commit (and I’m not saying he should or shouldn’t be as he was still pretty recently divorced) then just be straight up with him. I’m not a fan of playing games.
I will tell you this- when it’s time for marriage if a guy is dragging his feet, he’s not ready.
When a guy is ready for marriage there is no hesitation, there is no-one he would rather be with, talk on the phone with and he will have wished he had the girl on lock down yesterday.
Unfortunately society puts a ton of pressure on men and women to get married especially as they get older even if they may or may not be ready. I think we all have seen how some elder aunts, mothers and married friends unfairly look at unmarried women in their thirties as if they should have pity on them. It’s too bad because this can lead people to enter marriage or seek a mate not because they are truly in love, but because of some stupid number of an age by which they are led to believe is when “normal” people wed.
Because “Lisa” is already flirting with other men then this leads me to believe she isn’t ready for marriage to “Ted” Ever think of that?
A man, a woman, a ring or personal possessions should not define a person. You have to love you first. When you love yourself you are strong enough to realize that without any of these things you can still be happy. Be independent, be strong and define yourself for you and I’m sure the man or woman that is right for you is going to love you all the more for that strength.
She would do them both a favor by taking my suggestion to either move on or agree to date other people. “Ted” might not see it that way at first but he also probably doesn’t know she’s going around flirting with other guys.
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As always I appreciate your comments to this and any post on GMG and if you have an “Ask Joey” submission email it to me at goodmorninggloucester@yahoo.com I assure you the questions will remain anonymous.
I’m also taking personal random act of kindness shout outs but none for businesses it is intended for everyday nice things.
I’m eager to read your responses.
Good Morning Gloucester 
That was a great response. The friend never mentioned whether Lisa and Ted have had discussions about marriage. I totally agree that Lisa needs to be upfront and honest with Ted about her feelings and desires, and if he’s not in the same place, then she should let him know she is leaving herself open to dating other people. Going their separate ways for awhile might be just what both need to realize they really do love each other enough to consider marriage, or don’t.
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I agree with what you said. Please however say it in half as many words!
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Joey,
You nailed it with every point.
Sadly, some people seem to lack logic and reason, and don’t have a clue as to what a real substantial relationship is all about.
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Communicate! No games, straight up! But to the friend that wants to advise her friend – DON’T! Your friend has to start making her own decisions. Yep, I just said that! STAY OUT OF IT! 🙂
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Communicate! Right on Joey – don’t play games and, if you are in a relationship, don’t go looking around! Pay attention to the relationship. Leave it before looking around. And to the friend that wants to advise her friend “Lisa” – DON’T! She has to make her own decisions. STAY OUT OF IT! Just say something like “I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you.”
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I really like your blog, but I don’t know that relationship advice fits here. While you have made some keen observations given what little you know of the situation, a trained therapist would be more likely to help with their issues. This is one part of the blog I could do with out.
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A comment on the comments: Yes, short and sweet, boil it down to “punt Ted, more fish in the sea”, and if I ever had another lovelorn question I would head straight to my lobster broker before I would listen to some yahoo who thinks they have all the answers because they got a certificate.
Your advice to Rubber Duck worked great. She’s been out on Milk Island with Homie for the past week but promises to be back for Fred’s shindig on Saturday.
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