Category Archives: Ask Joey C
They’re mom-jean cut offs.
Saw these at Nordstrom the other day.
What do they think you’re stupid or something? They have huge cargo container after huge cargo container ships loaded with excess Mom-jeans that noone will buy because they’re just so unflattering so they figure they’ll just lop off the bottoms and call them high-rise shorts thinking that you’ll fall for that? It’s felt out insulting.
Nordstrom- be better than this.
Jonathan Olly asks-
I have a minor photographic mystery for you. I recently came across this postcard on eBay, showing a WWII DUKW emerging onto Pavilion Beach, with Ten Pound Island Light in the background. Do you or any of your readers remember when these tours operated in Gloucester? The caption on the back of the card reads "Amphibious duck ride from land to sea on a guided tour of Gloucester Harbor. Leaving every half hour from Pavilion Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts."
the Daily Mail reports-
How George Clooney has inspired cosmetic craze for ‘ball ironing’ – that sees wrinkles removed from you know where…
George Clooney has repeatedly joked that instead of his eyes he gets the skin on his testicles ‘ironed’ out, but now it appears he’s inspired a new craze in Hollywood.
Cosmetic expert Nurse Jamie told MailOnline that she added ‘Tighten the Tackle’ to the list of services at her Santa Monica spa, Beauty Park, last year, and it has been a raving success.
Delicately describing the $575 non-surgical treatment, the blonde beautician says it involves using lasers to remove hair, erase wrinkles and correct discoloration on the scrotum.
Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that as I’ve aged, my boys aren’t hanging all high and tight like they used to be. I’d long thought about getting a little nut tuck to smooth things out “down there” but now that my man George Clooney is endorsing it, I’m ALL IN!
$575 for the non-surgical procedure? Chump change to freshen up the boys.
Which spa around here offers such services? We can live blog the procedure. Maybe do a whole pay-per-view deal.
Thanks George for being brave enough to come forward with your own ball ironing to make it acceptable for men with low hanging nuts everywhere to “tighten their tackle”
Myra Dettelbach a Junior at Endicott College was assigned to interview the most awkward looking blogger in Massachusetts. After searching through dozens of blogger profiles she settled on the goofiest looking blogger with the largest bald spot Joey C.
Here is part 1 of her interview with me.
Joey’s astute observation about our increasing overuse of euphemisms deserves more than a mere comment in support of his legitimate question. My favorite answer to this issue (and the funniest, too) was given by George Carlin some years ago. Check it out:
Now that the issue is settled, we can move on to the tremendous amount of fun we can all have this weekend. Given two dozen terrific live music choices — with plenty of them early enough to bring the kids (or little people, if you prefer) you’d think we were in the height of Summer! Check out the complete weekend live music schedule here. (I’ll be sitting in on drums tonight at the Walker Creek Band 30th Anniversary Celebration).
This just in to the Ask Joey Mailbag-
Horny 32 year old asks-
Hi Joey I’d like your opinion on a situation that just happened here at the restaurant.
I’m a server at #f%&(*^ Restaurant, I’m 32 years old and consider myself attractive. Our barback has been attempting to make small talk more and more with me as he knows I’ve recently broken up with my long term boyfriend. I’m not sure if I should be flattered or not because I don’t even think he’s 21 years old. He’s attractive and polite but I’m over a decade older than him.
I will give him credit for his delivery. In the course of our latest conversation he half jokingly/half serious suggested we get together and play darts and then we could go on a date. What impressed me was his confidence in asking me out even though I’m much older than him and his delivery which left it open for me to accept or deny his advance without making it awkward the next time I see him at work.
Is it creepy for me to go out with him if he’s under 21 and I’m 32?
(Name withheld for obvious privacy reasons)
Joey C Response
Let me get right to the major points here.
I’m proud of this kid. To be that far along in years to toss out that kind of delivery speaks volumes about his game. He may be under 21 but his actions and delivery give him big time props in my book. He’s also much less likely to fall asleep on your ass and take care of your womanly needs if you are more or less looking for the wham bam athletic kinda session or two. What he probably hasn’t mastered at the tender young age of under twenty is how to please you in a slower oral down south kinda way (if you get my drift).
It’s probably going to be more of a wham bam, hop on hop off situation. But hey, if you were in a long term relationship that might be just what you’re looking for for a couple go-arounds and to get back in the saddle.
Anyway I wouldn’t let the age thing get in the way if you’re just looking for some nookie and who’s to say only men can date younger women. It’s not like you’re gonna marry the kid, by the sounds of things you’re just looking for some sugar.
Props to the youngster. If he has the finesse and smarts to lay a line on you that smooth, why not give him a shot at the title?
#Boom! Sage Wisdom Right There Baby!
Really, folks, we all need to find someone else to complain about — and we need someone else’s sarcasm to soar right over our heads while we’re complaining.
Inge Berge to the rescue. According to The Noise magazine, Inge’s music is “Odd, adventurous and compelling.”
Plus you get the added value that Inge’s sarcastic wit is wrapped in catchy pop tunes you’ll be singing all weekend. Just don’t sing the lyrics to your mother-in-law.
The best way to get your fill of sarcasm+bitching-about-sarcasm is to request some of Inge’s most witty and sarcastic songs and then complain about how you’re offended by them. Here are a few choice examples:
More Inge Berge videos here, including an inside look at the making of Shit Under Your Shoes.
What’s with the wind turbines? Some days all three are motionless, another day only one is turning, today two of the three are in motion. Are the two in motion generating power for Gloucester Engineering and Varian, and what about the motionless one with the blade so many of us signed? Will that be providing power for Gloucester’s municipal buildings? If so when? I’d like an update about the “three wise men” towering over Gloucester.
Thanks Mary Page
I’m gonna spare y’all the nasty photograph of my armpit hair but I have a burning question that can only be answered with a thoroughly scientific GMG reader poll.
As I get older my armpit hair much like my nose hair is growing wildly out of control. It’s disgusting. While I regularly maintain the growth in my nose hair, crazy weird wayward eyebrow hairs and manscape my junk I’m a little leery about trimming my armpit hair.
I don’t think as a man you want to take that armpit hair down to the skin like a woman but do guys regularly trim their armpit hair? I’m reaching out because I honestly don’t know and I don’t want to create a monster if I get started and then the stuff grows back three times more thickly and suddenly my armpits look like a really bad 70’s porno coochie.
Just taking off my shirt and *POOF* strike people with a big ol’ 70’s porno bush. *KAPLOWIE*
So male GMG folk, how do you handle your armpit hair situation? Do you trim away a little to keep in manageable? Do you shave it right down like a Georgia peach? Do you let the stuff grow proud and braid it occasionally?
What is your armpit hair management situation if any?
I was wondering if you knew of any jewelry classes in Gloucester or Cape Ann?
Staged for Sale
31 Rockholm Road
Gloucester, MA 01930
There will come a day either in middle school or high school or on the street with friends that somebody offers you pills to get high.
Do yourself a favor and just never ever ever ever ever take one. Not if it’s free, not if your friend or acquaintance makes fun of you or calls you a pussy. Not if that really hot chick that you’ve been dying to get with is there and she is taking one. There’s no freaking reason for you to take a pill recreationally.
Yes you’re young. Yes you feel invincible and your testosterone and estrogen are doing crazy things to your body. But just trust me on this one. I’ve seen smart good looking people that thought they would only take them once in a while just completely screw their lives up. First you need one or two,, then one or two turns into four or six, then your missing days at work, stealing from your parents to get money for pills, then you try the oxytocin, then the oxy becomes too expensive and while just a year before you would laugh at the idea that you would ever consider sticking a needle in your arm you have to get high and the only thing you can afford is a cheap bag of crack or heroin.
There’s no need to take pills. None. Not to look cool because some hot piece of ass broad is taking pills, not because your buddy is taking them, no reason. No reason at all.
Please don’t consider this preaching. Just consider it a friendly message from someone who wants the best for you. I’ve seen handsome young men turn into walking dead zombies and I want better for you. I’ve seen beautiful young women turn into crack ho’s with brown jagged teeth and sullen sunken in faces that made them look 30 years older than they were.
Oh, and stay in school for as long as you can pull it off, it’s wayyyy easier than working for a living.
My father-n-law and I really enjoy your site. Could you give us more information about the dory paint shown in the picture on your site?
What is the actual brand name and manufacturer? How can we get this paint?
This question submitted in reference to this post-
This is the paint that is used on all the topsides of the International Dory Race Boats. Some pics down below-
Often times folks will email me and ask questions about the area. While I may be qualified to answer, I reckon the power of a whole GMG community answering the questions will give much better answers. There are often experts on subjects lurking out there that may have never posted a comment on a post. Maybe this will draw them out of their dark corners and get them involved with our silly blog.
First up a question from SJ Intingaro-
Joey: Would like to know of a good place to dine Xmass eve. Italian food preferred.
I’m not sure if they are open but when I think Italian for dinner in Gloucester I think La Trattoria. You should call to be sure that they are open on Christmas Eve though-
La Trattoria and Pizzeria
64 Main St. Gloucester, MA 01930
Yesterday I was experiencing much frustration with wordpress, which has changed the manner in which photos are uploaded. My images were no longer “clickable,” meaning you click on the image to view a larger version of the file. I tried to figure out how to solve the problem through various blogging and wordpress forums, to no avail. After Much Time Wasted, I emailed our brilliant Editor-in-Chief this morning. Within five minutes Joey had responded with directions on how to upload with a new and improved method. I am self-admittedly not very techno savvy but Joey is ridiculous adept at all things techno and blogging.
We are so fortunate he is our Chief. In addition to posting his half dozen plus daily posts about community events, his humorous writings and rants, and gorgeous photos, behind the scenes he keeps the blog running smoothly and efficiently at all times, making it super easy for we contributors. Thanks for everything you do Chief!
For those of you who don’t get the question, see Joey’s Obnoxious Bike Rider Rant.
This might me the most random email you’ll ever get…but I had to send it regardless. My fiance and I are planning engagement pictures in Gloucester (like…very soon. this week, soon! eek), where we’re also getting married. Your Flickr pictures are amazing, and you’ve already given me awesome ideas from that….but I was just wondering if you knew of any different spots that only a person who knows Gloucester as well as you do would know of? We’re trying to stay away from super beachy engagement pictures….I love the old fisherman boats and we’ll probably take pictures down town, too. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Joey C writes-
I would contact Cory and Violet at Sweet Shots Secret Spots and book a day in their jeep-
Where would you suggest?
Whatever you do, don’t do this to your future husband-
Uhmmmm The World’s Greatest Lobster Roll Just Got Even Better By Subtraction. You Heard Me- Subtraction.
You’ve heard me rail on about the world’s greatest lobster roll for four years now.
We’ve dismantled countless frou frou high brow chefs and food bloggers who couldn’t leave perfection alone and had to go and mess up the perfect lobster roll with such atrocious ingredients as paprika, celery, lettuce, relish onion, pickles, avocado and such ridiculous platforms for rolls such as French baguette rolls and anadama bread.
Yu can read about all those abortions these dopes tried to pass off as lobster rolls here-
But what I’m about to tell you is going to turn a lot of what I’m saying on it’s head I guess. Or another way to look at it is actually more accurate in that as I’ve told you from the beginning- that simplicity and not overthinking the lobster roll and it’s perfection is the way to go so simplifying in the way I’m going to explain actually falls right inline with what I’ve been saying.
Night before last the Mrs asks me to bring home some lobster so she can make lobster rolls. She tells me she wants to try something different than her traditional recipe.
I brought home 5 lbs of medium shell lobster and she made two lobster rolls based off her original recipe-
Has to be Cains mayo, and hot dog rolls so you can grill them to a golden brown with the unsalted butter.
Notice there is no lettuce, paprika, celery or any other filler. If anything else appears in your lobster roll, you have an inferior lobster roll.
steam the lobsters and shuck the meat
tear the meat into 1/2 inch chunks or so and mix with cains mayo
once lobster and mayo is chilled, butter each side of cheap hot dog rolls (the kind you tear apart)
you do not want to use any goddamn baguette or crusty overpowering roll
you want white bread tear apart soft hot dog rolls
once you butter the sides of the hot dog rolls with SALTED butter you pan brown the roll so its warm and golden brown
just barely browned but the roll should still be very soft
then load up your cool lobster/mayo filling into the warm soft buttery roll and you have yourself the perfect lobster roll
note- NO LETTUCE- NO CELERY-NO PAPRIKA- NO FANCY CRUSTY FRENCH ROLL
I’m here to tell you that there is an upgrade to this and it is by simplifying.
Leave out the mayo and serve with hot drawn salted butter drizzled over the top of the cooked lobster meat inside the grilled buttered bun.
It actually intensifies the taste of the lobster instead of masking a bit of it with the mayo.
It’s now the official recipe of the World’s Greatest Lobster Roll.
#Boom! That Just Happened!
Best lobster roll pictured in back.
Dating a smoker asks-
Do you date a smoker when you hate it but they are a quality person. Everything about them is wonderful they just smoke?
Dear “Dating a Smoker”
I guess you gotta ask yourself how hot they are.
You’re not talking about marriage, you’re talking about dating. So if you’re all good with kissing an ashtray because they are an absolute smoke show in your eyes then go for it. If you are used to dating sixes I figure the smoker would have to be an eight or better to make the juice worth the squeeze. If you normally date fours they would have to be a six or better. You can overlook a little smokers cough if they have a superstar ass or diamond shaped calves or a handsome face.
You have to feel terribly sorry for people addicted to smoking. Seeing these poor bastards standing outside of restaurants in the freezing cold drizzling weather just to grab a smoke, stink up their breath, ruin their health and waste their money is sad. No rational person continues to smoke when you take into consideration the countless negatives.
I should add that if kissing the ashtray mouth of the smoker makes you want to vomit you can throw all this advice out the window because I’m thinking there’s just no getting past it for you.
For the youngsters out there that might be reading this-
It isn’t cool to smoke. Not one, not “only when you drink”. It’s really never cool to smoke. It kills, you stink, your teeth turn yellow, your clothes stink, your house stinks, you blow money you could be using to drive a nicer car, to save for your education, your retirement or nice vacations. Just do yourself a favor and don’t get started. After heroin it’s about the next highest thing on the stupid meter you could ever do to yourself.
as always send in your Ask Joey C relationship advice questions to email@example.com
EJ says that I need to answer the questions with a touch of the female perspective so I had an idea last night. I will forward the questions that come in anonymously to two of our GMG contributors who will in isolation provide their advice. I will not read their advice until I finish mine and then I’ll post all three responses and let you our readers decide which makes the most sense. Maybe there will be some overlap, maybe they will be completely different.
The point will be that they will be from three completely different perspectives.
Here’s the question
I have a question that has been bothering me lately. I met this wonderful man. We get along very well, feels as if i have known him for years. Every single time we make out i am instantly turned off. He kisses like a windshield wiper…back and forth and back and forth with this firm, strong tongue. This is so gross and such a turn off. WHAT DO I DO? Am i shallow and a horrible person if i end things with this person just because he is a shitty kisser? I’m already a single mom and don’t need to teach another “thing” to another person.
Time for a new wiper blade?
Joey C’s response-
Dear Wiper Blade Kisser Victim,
I can sympathize with you. Back in 95 or 96 I had gone through a time period where I was dating a lot of women. It came to a point that going from one woman to the next and not really having an established relationship had left me feeling empty. I met a really nice girl who was physically fit, pretty, smart and came from a nice family. She was also a virgin.
Dating a virgin who is younger than you is serious business as you don’t want to ruin the girl for other men but I thought enough of this girl that I completely respected her standing as a virgin even though she was already in college. There would be no pressuring her at all. The thing was as I found out very early on was that she was a terrible kisser. I mean brutally horrible. Like she would just mash her lips up against mine and not even use the muscles within her lips or anything. It was like pressing your lips up against a piece of liver.
At first I was sort of excited by the prospect of being able to mold this girl into a sexual dynamo. The idea of taking this very shy virgin and helping her become a woman was something I thought would be fantastic. So we continued to date even though the act of rolling around in the sack was incredibly awkward. Even though I was completely patient and never pressuring her about her virginity she made absolutely zero progress toward becoming the least bit better of a kisser. She was terrible. I mean terrible terrible. So after about three weeks of zero progress even though we were spending lots of time together I knew I had to end it.
There was no way I was going to take this girls virginity knowing that this kissing thing wasn’t getting any better. There are things I might go to hell for that I’d done in my youth but this wasn’t going to be one of them. I ended the relationship with the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine and even though I’m pretty sure her friends thought the reason I broke up with her was because she was a virgin, I swear on my soul the virginity thing had nothing to do with it. It was the inability to pick up even the slightest nuances of kissing.
So the point is that I’m not even sure “wiper blade kisser guy” is teachable in the first place. If he’s a great guy and you feel like you’ve known him for years I would tell you that maybe you try to make the switch over to hanging out as friends. It may or may not be difficult to make that transition but if you really like hanging out with him I feel like it’s you’re only option if you still want him in your life.
Next Up we have Good Moring Gloucester contributor Alicia Pensarosa and her perspective as a 29 year old in a long term relationship. Alicia also has her own blog-www.MadcapStyle.com.
Dear Single Mom,
Do you throw out the whole car if the wiper blades are hindering your vision? No, of course not, you just update the wiper blades.
A few simple pointers on how you prefer to be kissed could go a long way. I suggest, you don’t tell him he’s a bad kisser (let’s not kill his ego), but rather show him what you like and what gets you going. Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. Try slowing things down. When he’s doing it right use your body to let him know. Practice, practice, practice. I’m sure if he’s really into you, he’ll respond to the cues and you can say bye-bye to wiper blade mouth.
Of course on the off chance that a little coaching doesn’t work, you have to decide if you’re really into him and you’d be willing to commit to a bad kisser. Can you give up some good kissing for an otherwise wonderful man? Try picturing the rest of your life kissing wiper blade mouth- could you do it? And if you can’t, you’re not a shallow, horrible person; you’re just a woman who knows what she wants and won’t settle for less.
And for our third perspective we have Kim Smith, creator of Kim Smith Designs and married mother of two adult children.
Dear time for a new wiper blade,
No you are not a shallow and horrible person. Because you are turned off by something as intimate as kissing in the early stages of your relationship you are wise to question whether or not this man is a good fit for you.
Is he wonderful in every other way i.e., a wonderful lover (excluding kissing issue), wonderful to your child, loving, generous in spirit, and kind? If that is so then perhaps you could very gently, but confidently, say something like, “ I love to kiss with you; let’s try something different.” Perhaps he is misinformed and thinks his method of kissing is exciting. You could guide him in a way of kissing that is appealing to you, and make it exciting for the both of you. You suggest that you don’t want to teach another thing. Try not to look at it that way. You are in a new relationship with a guy you really like/love. Look at the kissing issue not as though you are teaching a child, but exploring each other intimately.
If you decide to stay with this guy, let us know how your relationship progresses.
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