Monthly Archives: March 2014

They Came, They Clawed, They Fricked It Up!

Would You Look At These Pretentious Bananaheads Crowing Around All Proud Of Themselves For Messing Up Perfection?

If you want to read the horror story that they pass off as a recipe (and claimed they conquered no less) Click Here-

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Will They Ever Learn The Rules Of Lobster Roll Making Is To Not Get In The Way Of The Most Delectable Meat Known To Mankind- Lobster Meat?

Why I ask you do, they feel the need to mask the flavor of the most succulent meat on earth with not one, not two, not three, but no less than unlucky 13 lobster roll ingredient violations???

Why not squat down over the mixing bowl and lay down a nice fat shit in there to compliment the flavors while you’re at it?

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-

We Came, We Clawed, We Conquered Messed It Up

Building the perfect lobster roll (Or Not)

INGREDIENTS

  • Salt
  • 1 lemon
  • 5 whole star anise pods
  • 2 heads garlic, halved
  • 4 dried árbol chiles
  • 1 (6-inch) piece fresh ginger, peeled and cut into ¼-inch coins
  • 3 stalks lemongrass, trimmed, tough outer layer removed and stalk bruised and tied into a knot
  • 2 (1½ pound) live lobsters
  • ¼ cup mayonnaise
  • 1 tablespoon finely minced parsley
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped chives plus 1 tablespoon chives, cut into ½-inch pieces
  • 2 teaspoons reserved lobster cooking liquid
  • 1 teaspoon lemon juice
  • ½ teaspoon lemon zest
  • ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • ¼ teaspoon celery salt
  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • 1 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning
  • 4 split-top hot dog rolls

Anise?????  Like as in Licorice anise?  In a lobster roll?   I wish Patrick Ewing was still in his prime so we could set him up right in front of where ever these dopes tried to serve these lobster roll abominations and he could swat them into the stands like a basketball and then stand over the servers and flex and growl like he just made the most impressive shot block in the history of the NBA.  Just like “Get That Shit Outta Here!” 

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Arbol Chile?   Really????  What are we at Taco Bell now?  Lemongrass?  Ginger?  Please.  This is absolutely criminal.  

I guess I should have stopped reading when I read these pretentious buffoons were writing in from New York where they root for the Yankees and all.  I mean WTF do they know about lobster rolls anyway, right? 

Maybe it’s a March thing where they want to get out in front of all the other pretentious food bloggers who will inevitably write their own versions of the Perfect Way to Fuck Up a  Good Lobster Roll.

When I saw the laundry list of lobster roll purist violations I just couldn’t leave this debacle go unchecked.   There are plenty of pretentious food bloggers who will throw in 2-5 violations but when you go over the top with 13 you have to know that someone with some common sense is gonna call you out on it.

Listen here anyone who would describe themselves as  a “Foodie”.  Do all us normal real folk a favor and spare us your stupid frickin lobster roll recipes that include anything other than a split top roll.  Spare us your French baguettes, spare us your frickin lemon zest bullshit, spare us your ginger and your anise and your arbol chlis.  

Hellooooo, we wanna taste the lobster.  How hard is that to comprehend?  If we wanted to eat Mexican we’d order a goddamned Burrito.    

This is a lobster roll.   The purist of the pure.  Time tested.  Tradition.  Like a Fenway Frank, only a bajillion times better.

It’s easy, there’s no need to go out of your way to try to fuck it up with your laundry list of  Lobster roll no-nos like anise and garlic and lemongrass.

Here’s the way to do it and not to do it-

Bad-

How to F^@K Up a Lobster Roll

Good-

Ingredients For The Worlds Greatest Lobster Roll

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-

 

  • Like a right of Spring I feel compelled to get us all off on the right path to Lobster Roll righteousness.  I’m not sure if we should have expected more considering the source- Foodie Bloggers From New York.  Maybe we don’t have to expect more but we certainly can’t let this shit go unchecked.

    Read past year’s lobster roll rants-

    Rating and Ranting- The Lobster Rolls From Tasting Table’s Lobster Roll Rumble

    A Preemptive Lobster Roll Refresher Course Before Anyone Gets All Crazy

    Bastardized Lobster Roll on Tap Today At Gloucester Gourmet

    What Is Wrong With People???? Another Lobster Roll Disaster From Some Broads In California

  • Viva San Giuseppe

    An important and wonderful tradition that is continuing and being passed on to the younger generation.

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    St. Patty’s Eve

    So, not being Irish, I learned something new today. I learned that if I were Irish there would be some prep work to be done.  Who would have thought…

    This much I already knew….The night before Christmas you might hang stockings, the night before Easter you might hide eggs, the night before Thanksgiving you might prep your kitchen, the night before running a marathon you might carbo load, the night before April Fool’s you might put saran wrap over the toilet seat (what?), etc.

    What I didn’t know is that the night before St. Patrick’s Day you practice awkward barroom behavior.  Well, according to Guinness (whom I trust with all my heart) that’s what you do!  And I’m not going to mess with that.

    So, for those of you who may be preparing to belly up to some corned beef and cabbage and drink until you’re green, you may want to watch these first.  And…if you’re having trouble rounding up some mates to celebrate with, please sure to watch the last video…and go buy yourself a dog with some mad herding skills.   Cheers!

    Cooking For The Feast Of St. Joseph

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    The Adventure’s Fo’c’sle is coming along.

    Hi Joey,

    Despite the cold, snowy weather, the Schooner Adventure’s crew continue to be hard at work below deck.

    They are rebuilding the fo’c’s’le – crew bunks and galley.    Here are a few shots that show the work done to date.  Most of these shots are taken from near the mid ship area looking forward towards the bow.   The vertically boarded wall is the bow’s watertight bulkhead.   This was not originally present on the Adventure, but is a current Coast Guard requirement.   I’ve included a couple of shots of John Miles and our intern, Sarah, doing the woodworking.   The last 2 shots show the vertical partitions between the bunks.   The final shot is taken from the bow looking aft towards a mast and the watertight bulkhead that separates the fo’c’s’le from the fish hold.   The galley will be built along that bulkhead.

    Mary Barker