Ask Joey C With A Twist- “What To Do With a Wiper Blade Kisser?”

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EJ says that I need to answer the questions with a touch of the female perspective so I had an idea last night.  I will forward the questions that come in anonymously to two of our GMG contributors who will in isolation provide their advice.  I will not read their advice until I finish mine and then I’ll post all three responses and let you our readers decide which makes the most sense.  Maybe there will be some overlap, maybe they will be completely different.

The point will be that they will be from three completely different perspectives.

Here’s the question

Hey Joey,
I have a question that has been bothering me lately.  I met this wonderful man.  We get along very well, feels as if i have known him for years.  Every single time we make out i am instantly turned off.  He kisses like a windshield wiper…back and forth and back and forth with this firm, strong tongue.  This is so gross and such a turn off.  WHAT DO I DO?  Am i shallow and a horrible person if i end things with this person just because he is a shitty kisser?  I’m already a single mom and don’t need to teach another “thing” to another person.
Time for a new wiper blade?

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Joey C’s response-

Dear Wiper Blade Kisser Victim,

I can sympathize with you.  Back in 95 or 96 I had gone through a time period where I was dating a lot of women.  It came to a point that going from one woman to the next and not really having an established relationship had left me feeling empty.  I met a really nice girl who was physically fit, pretty, smart and came from a nice family.  She was also a virgin.

Dating a virgin who is younger than you is serious business as you don’t want to ruin the girl for other men but I thought enough of this girl that I completely respected her standing as a virgin even though she was already in college.  There would be no pressuring her at all.  The thing was as I found out very early on was that she was a terrible kisser.  I mean brutally horrible.  Like she would just mash her lips up against mine and not even use the muscles within her lips or anything.  It was like pressing your lips up against a piece of liver.

At first I was sort of excited by the prospect of being able to mold this girl into a sexual dynamo.  The idea of taking this very shy virgin and helping her become a woman was something I thought would be fantastic.  So we continued to date even though the act of rolling around in the sack was incredibly awkward.  Even though I was completely patient and never pressuring her about her virginity she made absolutely zero progress toward becoming the least bit better of a kisser.  She was terrible.  I mean terrible terrible.  So after about three weeks of zero progress even though we were spending lots of time together I knew I had to end it.

There was no way I was going to take this girls virginity knowing that this kissing thing wasn’t getting any better.  There are things I might go to hell for that I’d done in my youth but this wasn’t going to be one of them.  I ended the relationship with the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine and even though I’m pretty sure her friends thought the reason I broke up with her was because she was a virgin, I swear on my soul the virginity thing had nothing to do with it.  It was the inability to pick up even the slightest nuances of kissing.

So the point is that I’m not even sure “wiper blade kisser guy” is teachable in the first place.  If he’s a great guy and you feel like you’ve known him for years I would tell you that maybe you try to make the switch over to hanging out as friends.  It may or may not be difficult to make that transition but if you really like hanging out with him I feel like it’s you’re only option if you still want him in your life.


Next Up we have Good Moring Gloucester contributor Alicia Pensarosa and her perspective as a 29 year old in a long term relationship.  Alicia also has her own blog-www.MadcapStyle.com.

Alicia writes-

Dear Single Mom,

Do you throw out the whole car if the wiper blades are hindering your vision?  No, of course not, you just update the wiper blades.

A few simple pointers on how you prefer to be kissed could go a long way.  I suggest, you don’t tell him he’s a bad kisser (let’s not kill his ego), but rather show him what you like and what gets you going.  Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. Try slowing things down. When he’s doing it right use your body to let him know.  Practice, practice, practice. I’m sure if he’s really into you, he’ll respond to the cues and you can say bye-bye to wiper blade mouth.

Of course on the off chance that a little coaching doesn’t work, you have to decide if you’re really into him and you’d be willing to commit to a bad kisser. Can you give up some good kissing for an otherwise wonderful man?  Try picturing the rest of your life kissing wiper blade mouth- could you do it? And if you can’t, you’re not a shallow, horrible person; you’re just a woman who knows what she wants and won’t settle for less.


And for our third perspective we have Kim Smith, creator of Kim Smith Designs and married mother of two adult children.

Dear time for a new wiper blade,

No you are not a shallow and horrible person. Because you are turned off by something as intimate as kissing in the early stages of your relationship you are wise to question whether or not this man is a good fit for you.

Is he wonderful in every other way i.e., a wonderful lover (excluding kissing issue), wonderful to your child, loving, generous in spirit, and kind? If that is so then perhaps you could very gently, but confidently, say something like, “ I love to kiss with you; let’s try something different.” Perhaps he is misinformed and thinks his method of kissing is exciting. You could guide him in a way of kissing that is appealing to you, and make it exciting for the both of you. You suggest that you don’t want to teach another thing. Try not to look at it that way. You are in a new relationship with a guy you really like/love. Look at the kissing issue not as though you are teaching a child, but exploring each other intimately.

If you decide to stay with this guy, let us know how your relationship progresses.

Please rate the advice by clicking on the title of the post and clicking on the stars below the post on the page that opens.  One star for terrible advice and 5 stars for spot on.

12 comments

  • Rubber Duck response: “Wiper Blade fits into the category of weird kisser. Whether a childhood accident or a movie causes this to happen no one knows but it is extremely difficult to change the habits of a weird kisser. One can try to out wiper blade them to show how weird it is but that just might get him more entrenched. Either gets some Rain-X for the lips or punt.”

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  • I say switch out the wiper blades and get and squeegee! Dealing with a man who sucks at kissing is just as bad as a horrible lover! People always say you can’t change a person so who is to say you can change a horrible kisser! Run baby Run~~~~~

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  • I will respectfully suggest that you ask him to use his “wiper blade” technique on a different part of your body. That may resolve any issues you are having…..

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  • Just IMAGINE how he’ll be at *******… dump the slobber-er!

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  • I must say that Joey’s line, “I completely respected her standing as a virgin ‘even though she was already in college’ is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

    Thank you for adding some female prespective.

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  • I think he is trying to demonstrate how good his tongue is….

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  • When you dump him be sure to send him a link to this post.

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  • Aretha Franklin would say…
    - It’s In His Kiss

    Does he love me?
    I wanna know!
    How can I tell if he loves me so?

    (Is it in his eyes?)
    Oh no! You need to see!
    (Is it in his size?)
    Oh no! You make believe!
    If you wanna know
    If he loves you so
    Its in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)

    (Oh yeah! Or is it in his face?)
    no girls! It’s just his charms!
    (In his warm embrace?)
    no girls! That’s just his arms!
    If you wanna know
    If he loves you so
    It’s in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)
    yeah!! Its in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)

    Oh, oh, oh, honey !
    Squeeze him tight!
    Find out what you wanna know!
    promise love, and if it really is,
    It’s there in his kiss!

    (How ’bout the way he acts?)
    no no no! That’s not the way!
    You’re not listenin’ to all I’m sayin’!
    If you wanna know
    If he loves you so
    It’s in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)
    Oh, yeah! Its in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)

    Oh, oh, oh, hold him !
    Squeeze him tight!
    Find out what you wanna know!
    promise love, and if it really is,
    well It’s there in his kiss!

    (How ’bout the way he acts?)
    no no no! That’s not the way!
    You’re not listenin’ to all I’m sayin’!
    If you wanna know
    If he loves you so
    It’s in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)
    Oh, yeah ! Its in his kiss!
    (That’s where it is!)
    mmmm ! Its in his kiss!
    (that’s where it is)
    mmmm is in his kiss

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  • That was Betty Everett. Not Aretha.

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  • Aretha sang my favorite version of the song.

    FYI:
    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    “The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in His Kiss)” is a song written by Rudy Clark.

    The song was made a hit when recorded by Betty Everett, who hit #1 on the Cashbox magazine R&B charts with it in 1964. Recorded by dozens of artists and groups around the world in the decades since, the song became an international hit when remade by Cher in 1991.

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  • Thanks for the info. I’ll check out Aretha’s version.

    Like

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