ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS- SOGGY FRIES SUCK ASS

So mid morning I get a call from Ed (do I even have to say his last name any more) Collard

He asks about lunch and I tell him to swing by and we will discus our plan of attack. We settle on cheeseburger plates from a local joint and I call in the order.

Me on the phone-

I would like two bacon cheeseburgers with thousand island dressing and two orders of fries.  Oh and could you please be sure to leave the container open because I don’t want the fries to get all soggy on the drive back to the dock?

The woman assures me that they would put the fries in a separate container.

Ed heads out to pick up lunch.

One thing you can count on down the dock is that the very minute take-out arrives there will be two or three boats that hit the dock to be offloaded at that very moment.  It doesn’t matter if you haven’t had a boat pull up to offload for two hours- the precise moment when the delivery guy shows up and you hand him your money you can place all your money on the fact that there will be a boat to offload within your first bite of anything you order. That’s just the way it is and I’ve come to expect that.

So sure enough Ed returns with lunch in two large paper bags containing our burgers and fries and heads up to the office to eat and at the very same time two small boats hit the dock.  It takes only about 10 minutes to offload them and put the lobsters away and I bound up the stairs to the office where my burger and fries await.

Mr Wonderful Ed Collard hearing me on the phone asking the waitress to please leave the container open so my fries wouldn’t get soggy decides to pull a prank on me.

The rotten prick duct tapes the edges of the styrofoam container.DSC00562DSC00563

Now you might think that because they punched a few holes in the top of the container that that is enough to let the steam escape and to salvage the fries but let me assure you that that just isn’t the case.

ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS

Fries to go should be in either cups or those white clam boxes in a separate bag.  I don’t care if you punched holes in the top to let the steam out, when you stack another box on top of it the steam still doesn’t have any where to go except into the moisture receptacles formerly known as french fries.

DSC00566

Limper than an eighty year old dude’s dick.

DSC00567

You might as well have poured some gravy over the goddamn things because they were like eating mashed potatoes.

I owe you one Ed.

About Joey C

The creator of goodmorninggloucester.org Lover of all things Gloucester and Cape Ann. GMG where we bring you the very best our town has to offer because we love to share all the great news and believe that by promoting others in our community everyone wins.
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13 Responses to ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS- SOGGY FRIES SUCK ASS

  1. FINALLY, one of life’s tragedies is out of the closet. I now find myself eating “fries and clams to go” NOT at my favorite places, but at the ones that still use the cardboard boxes. The styrofoam sucks and also is less bio degradable.

  2. E.J. says:

    You can’t help but love Ed. BTW, I miss you Ed – I got so used to you dropping by the gallery every day or so for a visit – I haven’t seen you in weeks.

  3. shew says:

    stop complaining, your lucky there were any fries left at all if you left them with ed! soggy fries do suck though :-(

  4. Memory says:

    Oooooh, I am cracking up! This is a pet peeve of mine too, even while dining in, I order “extra crispy” and generally get the response “well, you know, we are going to have to fry them TWICE!” and I’m like, “GO FOR IT!” Owning our own frier and a freezer full of fries, I know that you don’t have to fry them twice, you just have to leave them in until they look crispier than not crispy.

    Curious if fries in a paper bag to go would be better? Like how they do it at Five Guys? We poke large holes the top of our containers for to go orders, but I am now going to pay more attention to whether they get stacked. And do some testing.

    • Joey C says:

      Leonardos does it perfectly. The white clam box with the red stripes and then they slide it into a sub bag. they are still crispy even with the bag rolled up 20 minutes later.
      It’s worth getting some just for “research” mem, ;)

  5. dr nicole says:

    sorry to hear your soggy fry fear was confirmed. my adele’s gumbo was great though!

  6. HouseDoctors says:

    Oh ya Donna it was fun, you should have seen his face!! Kenny your so right about the Styrofoam, Joey was just sayin how it sucks and not good for the environment. I miss you also EJ, we should do burgers and fries soon. Memory, maybe Joey should try to get his fries fried twice. Your so correct Shew, can you imagine what it’s like for me to drive back to the dock and not eat Joey’s fries…at least they wouldn’t be ‘soggy’. Hey Joey…stop bitchin…jam the grub in and get back to work!!!

  7. Fred says:

    some 8 year olds, maybe…

  8. Anonymous says:

    Not good for you anyway….

  9. Anonymous says:

    ……and they’re not even brown! No wonder crispy didn’t have a chance.
    Down with styrofoam, everything stinks in the stuff! Maybe we should get Al Gore on this!

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